White Picket Fences

note: just got back from watching a movie and was prompted to jot this down. hmm, i’m getting inspired to cook my caldereta soon. watch out, you.

beware: and yes, this one is horribly corny (like an audio self help book), as much as the other notes were.

ode to sunday

if i had my way i would start the day cheerfully with my arms outstretched.
i will get to work on time and smile despite the nasty mails i sometimes get.
i will pause before sending a nasty response and delete it. i will shrug my shoulder and say to hell with it. actually, no. i will not speak of nasty words or think it in my head.

if i had my way, i would cook good food and savor each bite. i will run like the wind and face the sun as it shines. i will follow the smell of freshly cut grass and surround myself with greens.
if i had my way, i will speak to my father every night. i will tease my mom relentlessly and scold my sister less.
if i had my way, i will go to church every week and pray like i mean it. i will pray before i go to sleep and sleep when i have to.

if i had my way i would write silly notes just like this. i will wish you a happy sunday and hope you have a good start to your week.

continuation….

and if i really had my way, i will:
…get someone to iron my month worth of wrinkled clothes
….be on vacation
…..write like a 30 year old instead of a kid
…….Be a kid.

Today, I celebrate the ‘happiness of being’.

I can’t seem to wipe the smile off my face. I find myself smiling at strangers, winking at friends and seeing and hearing nothing else but pure joy from everything and everyone else around me. There’s a spring in my steps, a meaning in every word I utter and hear, and energy that radiates from within me. I feel as if I can do anything thrown at me, no different from an artist who suddenly finds inspiration to paint, write a song, or do something absolutely awe inspiring and totally unexplainable. No, I did not manage to do anything great at all today but it’s the feeling, I can. I boarded a cab today with a taxi driver who was completely adamant not to take me to the city. After a smile and a few kind words, the taxi driver shared my mood, my joy, and was happily celebrating the day with me. I was joyful walking in my not so comfortable high heels despite being forced to take a hike due to blocked roads around the city. My brain knew I should be feeling damned but I found it really amazing that I still felt amazingly happy despite it all. It’s unexplainable but it’s real.
I don’t really know what it is. The day just started right and everything else that happened seemed like a series of happy little incidents to me. Today is no different from any other day. There were simple things that made me happy - I left work early, got to speak to my parents, ran at the gym. Complete routine. Nothing exceptional. But then it was different. Was it the music in my ear, the smiles that got returned, the mood of those around me, or just a beep in that flatline that my daily routine used to be? I don’t know what it is. Finding out is not the point of this at all. I have felt this way before. You must have too. Isn’t it always just random? It comes in spurts and is totally unexpected. However, when it does happen, I want to celebrate it. I want to share it. If only to spread that really nice feeling that we sometimes get for no reason at all. It is something we cannot touch. We cannot really wish for. The only thing we can do is remember it. Prolong it while it’s there.
Tomorrow, it’s too much for me to wish the joy of today. For today, I just want to celebrate and I want to celebrate it with you. If only so you can remember when you last felt this way. I hope it was not too long ago.

it would have been great if dumbledore’s pensieve really exists - imagine having a basin where you can download or unload thoughts from your head so you won’t be overwhelmed.

since i’m a muggle, i guess i would have to settle with a blog to unload my thoughts so i can keep myself sane and get some perspective.

waaah. i am overwhelmed.

oh well, i had a smooth sailing 1 1/2 years before this. finally, the real world is catching up with me. i used to think that if you’re overwhelmed, it means that you’re not managing your time correctly. now, i’m being reminded that sometimes, things just cannot be helped. you cannot stop things around you from changing, events from unfolding. the best thing to do is do what you can and not give yourself too much of a hard time.

que sera sera. it’s easier said than done. we can will ourselves to forget the chaos in our lives sometimes. however, at night when we sleep, our troubled thoughts have a will of its own.  it has this nasty habit of stirring us up at night just to check that yes, there will still be chaos in the morning.

last night, i decided to pop by asian kitchen for a quick dinner after my shopping marathon. the waiter seated me beside two sets of women. on my left side were two filipinas who were chitchatting a bit loudly. on my right was an elderly woman accompanied by her middle aged daughter.as soon as i sat, the waiter handed me the menu. i asked the waiter about the spices in one of the dishes when the middle aged daughter butted in to explain about the spices. later on, her elderly mom recommended i take the herbal chicken instead. careful not to offend the old lady (cuz i hate herbal chicken) and feeling quite grateful for their concern, i settled the matter by telling them that i was feeling bold today so i will try out the really spicy one i initially asked about.
while waiting, i became aware of the “tagalog” conversation going on in my left. at first i felt guilty completely understanding what they were talking about but since they were so loud, i decided not to completely cover my ears i.e. eavesdrop.
the other girl went on and on about this guy whom she’s been texting and who apparently she managed to piss off in the end. she’s debating what she should do next. the other girl then wore her know it all hat and said that she should not let this one go blah blah blah. afterwards, she finished it by saying, “hey…you are not getting any younger. you are getting old! if u don’t act fast, you’re gonna end up like the ladies in the next table”.
i almost fell off my chair as for a split second there i thought they were talking about me! turns out, it was the other well meaning table they didn’t want to end up years down the road.
i gave in to the temptation and took a peek at the texter’s face and figured ahhh…she must be 45 or something. later on she goes on and says, “yeah, i think i’m really getting old. gosh time flew so fast. i can’t believe i’m 27.” then both ladies did a high five and said, “can you imagine what it’s gonna be like 3 yrs from now???” and then they both closed their eyes, stomped their feet, and gave a really long squeallllll!

WHATEVER! Hahaha!

in my mind, i was saying:” ladies, a month from now,i will tell you what it’s gonna be like.”
hahaha! i hate giggling girls. i like the two old women better. bwahaha!

note: just thoughts in my brain that i need to write down to prevent my brain from twisting.

i finally completed my health screening last friday. i have to wait for 2 weeks for the results. i really hope i don’t have anything broken inside.

lately, i’ve been getting more concerned about health. i see my mom, dad, and sister having all these health problems and i worry for them. i worry that they have increasingly become dependent on doctors to do the work that needs to be done on their bodies. after a year of exercise and a bit of good diet, i’ve realized that our bodies do readily react to positive changes that we make on them. i wish they do more beyond drink their medicine and see the doctor.

my sister came over to visit me a week ago. she can’t eat anything with salt according to the doctor because of her kidney problem. while she was here, i felt a bit ignorant about her needs. i did not know how i can really help her.

as soon as she left, i decided to learn more. i went to the library to study problems with the kidney. while looking around, i happened to stumble into a book re parkinsons. my dad has been suffering from this disease for almost 4 years now and i still hardly know anything about it. yes, i did my research on the internet and such, but it was not enough.

as i read on, i realized how i could have helped my dad earlier. if i knew exactly what he was suffering from, i could have done a lot of the simple ways to alleviate his pain i.e. get handles for the bathroom, get a long shoe horn, etc. i used to complain to my dad that he hardly smiled anymore, now i know that i shouldn’t have. it’s part of his disease. even his oily face, wobbly walk, naps, and movements while sleeping were all part of his disease. hmph, the doctor never mentioned these!

i need to make up for lost time. i need my family to understand each other’s disease and their own even without the help of a doctor.

how come i have not thought of this before? it makes me wonder, what else can i be missing? hope you also learn from this.

i’ve been far from home for nearly 5 years now. i wish i can be with them more. i try to go home a lot, but it doesn’t feel enough. i cannot imagine going back as well. i have no career or livelihood to go back to if i do.

2 more weeks till my own health scorecard is going to be up. i hope i’m ok. i need to be strong if only to be able to help them get better.

p.s. mom was also hospitalized a few days back because of gallstones. the doctor cannot proceed with surgery just yet because of her diabetes and kidney problems. i also got myself some glasses today for my astigmatism as i have frequent bouts of really bad headaches lately. i hope it’s just my eyes.

all these recent family health scares is fast converting me to a hypochrondriac. i hope the doctor gives each one of us a clean bill of health. i want nothing else for my family except good health. health is indeed wealth.

Hiked up Kota Kinabalu using Mesilau trail with 7 other folks over the weekend.

We left Friday night and arrived 3am and started hiking at 930 am. We reached Laban Rata base camp at different times: 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, and 830pm. My buddy and I were in the 2nd batch to arrive.

For nearly 10 hours, on the way to Laban Rata, we were tormented by cold rain, smelly ponchos, 90 degree stairs with no railing, huge boulders on a creek, trails that go up and down, altitude sickness, lack of sleep, changing weather, endless trails, broken soles, weathered knees, etc. You name it!

The last stretch was a complete mind and physical torture. I was seriously questioning why I ever thought of doing what I was doing. I kept thinking that if I slipped just once, my skull would get battered by the sharp rocks.
It was also getting dark and if we did not move fast, we would have to soon grope in the dark as we left our torch lights with the porter. We initially targeted to be at the camp by 2pm! Turns out the 2pm estimate was for the Timpohon trail (simpler and shorter route).
My buddy and I just kept staring at each other the whole time, sleepy and tired, frustrated with the endless rows of boulders we had to climb. We were also a bit worried about the 4 other folks who came with us, was behind us, and was now nowhere in sight. The first of the four no longer had soles in both his shoes, the second one lost her contact lens on one eye, and the third one was having trouble with her knees. The fourth one was,of course, tormented with what was going on with the other three.
There was a time when my buddy and I thought that we reached base camp as we saw a light from a distance! We got overly excited only to find out that it was not the camp but just one of the huts. We plodded on and finally reached camp. The two guys were ahead and helped us get through dinner. I was completely soaked with rain. Didnt have any change of clothes as the porters were still behind. I fell asleep with a massive headache and finally woke up and found out the other four have arrived safely. Whew!
By 9pm, the whole gang was in our room. They were discussing if we were still going to climb to the summit. I initially wanted to do so but with the change in timeline, we would only have 4 hours of sleep and would have to hike up to the summit by 2am and continue our hike down until 2pm that same day.
Later on, the guides told us it was raining hard as well and they did not recommend we continue. The two guys who completed the climb earlier went ahead and went up to the summit. Another guy went up but went back after his knees started to wobble during the first 500 meters.
I woke up around 2am to enjoy supper alongside those who were going to climb up.
In the morning,we finally got to hear that the two guys made it back from the summit around 7am. Yahooo!
We left immediately after breakfast so we can make it to our flight that same day.
This time, we had some time to take some pictures. Hehehe. We also went down through the easier trail. If it was Mario Brothers, I’d call Timpohon a level 1 and the Mesilau Trail, the level 5! We barely rested and made it back to the headquarters at record time - almost less than 4 hours.
We waited for the rest of the troop to finish and made our way back to the airport after a very good buffet lunch.
We made it to the airport in ample time so we decided to make an unplanned visit to the beach. The guys had some beer and I enjoyed my coconut juice! Hahaha.
We landed in Singapore at 10pm.
I managed to go to work the next day and to this day suffer from really really sore Cankles!

Whew! I finally got to tick this thing off my list.
It was a very good experience overall. Others may get to do this thing without dropping a sweat but for someone like me who’s been sedentary most of her adult life, this is totally unheard of. This ROCKS!
I wish I had time to climb the summit. Next time, I will do so. After I purchase a life insurance policy, that is.

9) mom, dad, and lala visited me  again in singapore after mom and dad’s last trip here in 2004 during my 29th bday (july). mom and dad came earlier than lala so i enjoyed two weeks of my parent’s undivided attention, cooking, hugs and kisses. we went on dinner dates and later went to bintan indonesia with my sister and tita baby. lala organized “joy’s cup” and surprised me with a bowling tournament with all my sg friends. they even had shirts for the event!

10) janice moved to chicago last august =( we’ve been living under the same roof for almost 4 yrs in sg and another 1 yr in chicago. we’ve known each other since 2000 so it was quite an adjustment for me not to have my best friend around. in the end, it was all good as we both let go of our comfort zone and started to live outside of each other’s shadows. i miss her terribly though.

11) since janice left, i now have two new housemates, ken and maje. ken is an old friend from accenture while maje and i just got to know each other through common friends. maje and i (i’d like to think) hit it off as she’s like my kid sister who is always game for anything. we now live in an hdb flat in simei. it was quite an adjustment after living in a condo for 4 years - our flat is in the 9th flr while the elevator is in the 10th floor. they are currently upgrading the hdb so we should be able to enjoy having the elevator stop near our doorstep soon!

12) i’ve continued going to the gym 3x a week (on a good week!) but i stopped losing weight. i’m still 5 pounds away from my ideal weight but i’m not in a hurry. at the very least, i’ve started to feel stronger after this dramatic change in my lifestyle. it’s almost a year now since i started to exercise and i’d like to continue living this way. i now crave for a bit of physical exertion every once in a while.  imagine that!!!

13) For the first time in my life, i won something! I got a chance to watch the first F1 night race here in Singapore. I got tickets courtesy of the CS lucky draw. It was quite an experience seeing all those cars zooming past. It was not my thing though. I’m glad I experienced it but it’s not something I’d get hooked on.

14) I finally got to visit the HSBC tree top walk after a 10km hike late this year. It was quite easy so I think I’m ready for a longer one. 

15) Around October last year, I’ve started to have morning runs in Bedok Reservoir Park every Sunday morning (around 8am). There are weeks when I don’t get to go but I’m able to do so at least once or twice a month. It’s just a 4km run but I definitely feel my running buddies and myself have improved! I no longer find the need to stop and rest, and take pictures! I can now manage to jog non stop without killing myself. Hehehe.

16) Work wise, I assumed 2 additional posts on top of my current role. I’ve let go of the other one last June so I now have two. My other role requires me to manage 4 different sites so you can imagine how exhausted I am given that all these 4 sites are taking off at the same time. It involves hiring and managing new people, new users, new vendors, etc. I’m gifted with a great team though so somehow, I still manage. At the end of the day, I’m tired but quite happy with what I’m doing. I’m a visual person and seeing the fruits of whatever I’m doing really helps keep me motivated and happy. Finally!!! Also got the rating I targeted earlier in the year so it’s even sweeter!

17) Lala and I bonded on the later part of this year after she visited here in Singapore and we went off to Malacca for an overnight trip. After Malacca, we saw each other again in Hongkong and celebrated her birthday there. I surprised her with Cinderella front row tickets as she missed the show in Manila. Afterwards, we went to Macau where she went crazy over the Venetian gondola. Really crazy! Hahaha! The trip was definitely one of those good ones Lala and I will always remember. We got to stay in one of those hostels that other people would be scared to go to. We decided to try it out and had such a blast pretending to be adventurous folks like the rest!

18) I was bridesmaid to three different weddings of close friends last year, thus explaining the 8 manila trips I took last year. It was a bit tiring having to fly back just over weekends but I’m glad I did  not miss a single one!

19) Travelled to Vietnam! We flew to Ho Chi Minh on a Saturday morning and flew back to Singapore Sunday 2pm. It’s hard to imagine how much ground we covered considering we were there for less than 2 days. It was my first time to travel with Uly, Tegs, and Maje so it was nice travelling with a different group

20) I introduced my cousin and my friend when my cousin visited me here. I feel quite proud as the two are such a good match and are going very  strong! Here’s to you guys!

21) Got to complete my PMP classes and upgraded my ITIL foundation! Passed the ITIL foundation upgrade course
22) Do something which I thought I’d never consider doing but I did.

23) Got to go home for both my mom and dad’s bday. 2008 was all about being home more esp because my parents are getting old. We even had a mega bday surprise for mom! We did the complete thing - av presentation, souvenirs for guests, tons of gift for mom, party at a restaurant. Yahooo!

24) Watch my first international concert - Imagine I only got to do this this year with Maroon 5. Haha. Loser! I purchased a really expensive Sarah Geronimo concert (88 dollars) but got a refund after the event was cancelled. Perhaps I was the only one silly enough to buy! I like Sarah though. I do want to see her perform sometime soon. Btw, jologs alert, I also saw John Lloyd in Gbelt while having coffee with my college buddies last Xmas! Definitely worth mentioning! Hahaha.

25) Be more attentive to the environment. One of my pledges last year was to wrap my xmas presents using old wrappers, paper bags, etc. The only time I did get to use gift wrappers was when it was offered free by the stores or it was my sister who did the wrapping for me. Hahaha. Ok, I admit, there’s some element of laziness in here.

26) Finally got to bring my family to Boracay after Christmas this year. We rented a villa and had so much fun going to the market, cooking, and island hopping! I wish to do something similar this 2009. My dad’s parting words to the hotel receptionist was “see you next year!”. Hahaha!

27) For the first time in my life, I attended and completed the simbang gabi. I could not imagine how I managed to do so, but yes, I did! I’m quite proud of it and quite happy that I did it. It gave me a lot of insight on how Filipinos here in Singapore struggle to keep tradition alive despite being in another country. I was one of those who queued up for free arroz caldo right after the mass. At first I was attending it on my own as no one else was up for it. Later on, Ailyn moved to Singapore and joined me in the evening mass. I sure hope I can accomplish this again this year.  I dedicated each of the nine masses to  important persons in my life.

There ya go…it’s quite late to round up 2008 in Feb 2009. 

I do wish to accomplish some of these goals this coming year:

a) Learn to bake

b) Ride a bike - really! I do not know how to do this!

c) Play at least one musical instrument

d) Climb my first mountain - It looks like it’s gonna happen. I have booked a flight to Kota Kinabalu along with some colleagues this coming March!

e) Saveeeeeeeeeeee! - I have started to jot down my expenses, do some real budgeting and allocate majority of my pay to savings!

f) Complete the plans for the small multi door apt I’ll probably start building early 2010

g) Fence the Cavite land I purchased last year

h) Kick off a charitable activity during or before my 30th bday

i) Visit Janice and Portia in Chicago - possibly sometime November! My leaves are already approved. I just need to book my flight via my miles.

j) Complete my first Habitat for Humanity project - I’m going this Friday! Yipeee!

k) Slim down to my ideal weight! And get some muscles! Hahaha!

l) Get my sister to have her monthly medical (kidney) checkup as she’s been missing it before. Also get to do more thorough exams for myself. I’m not getting any younger, ya know!

m) Get my PMP certification and complete the ITIL Service Manager Program.

n) Go home for my mom and dad’s bday like I did last year.

o) Strive to take out my own fastfood trash after eating instead of leaving my food lying out there for someone to pick up.

n) Sell or give away my old books and stop buying books! I’ll start using the library more often.

For now, this is probably it! Nothing earth shattering, just a continuous pursuit of the old goals - happiness, health, and contentment

this five (and not six!) letter word pretty much sums up the way i feel today. i wish i’m feeling better, but i’m not. i hope i can wake up tomorrow with renewed energy as i feel so drained out.

i’ve been eating a lot of unhealthy food, trying to comfort myself but it works the other way around.

i guess i’m too tired. i’ve been running about too much and i think my body’s begging me to stop. i just don’t know if it’s good. to slow down, i mean. if i slow down, i just know i’d be digging a deeper hole for myself to climb into. if i continue with my pace, i’d just keep tiring myself and the cycle would continue.

balance. i need balance. something’s just not right. it’s in the air. in my walk. in everything.

it’s all in the mind, they say. maybe it is. i really don’t know.

i just need some peace. some sun. air. and i really need to breathe.

warning: incoherent ramblings and non-edited text ahead

nuninu…ninu…ninu…

now what?

i’m wide awake. it’s 1:53 am and there’s no one to talk to. i kinda like it though. sans any ants or roaches, i’m the only living creature enjoying the crisp night air.

the tranquility envelopes me. i’m not distracted. it’s just me and my thoughts tonight.

2008’s been a flurry of activities. only half of the year has passed but already, so much has happened. it’s got a lot to do with my decision to shift jobs within credit suisse last august ‘07. good or bad, i now have a different office, new responsibilities, brand new boss, brand new team, different lunch partner and bigger challenges to face.  moreover, i’m now a normal being who works from 9 to 6 pm, does not get office escalations at 4am in the morning or work over the weekend. nothing to rave about? try three years of shiftwork and then tell me all about it =)

beyond regaining my normalcy,the first half of 2008’s been rockin and rollin!!! here’s why:

1) flew back to manila for a record of 4 times in 5 months 

2) spent 4 days in boracay with cousins

got drunk after two beers and practiced saying  ‘i love you’ (in korean) with the guy sitting beside me in a bar who claimed to be a korean actor (he also said the other guy sitting beside him was a director). bwahaha! suspicions that the guy from the bar could actually be telling the truth arose when a korean film set was setup the next day. my cousins and i happened to be passing by and were then asked to be ‘extras’ in the movie. hahaha!

3) 8 day korean tour

flew to seoul a week after boracay and also visited jeju island where i got to see endless rows of orange trees near the roadside; got to ski for the first time, stay in a korean style hotel with heated floors, and make my first kimchi. i really heart korea!

4) got promoted to avp!

yey! nothing much changed except now, i’ve got a namecard! hahaha!

5) completed 3 months of swimming lessons!

i can now swim in an olympic sized pool without killing myself. hehe.

6) first ever road trip in years

here are my conclusions from the road trip a) the rest of malaysia does not look like johor bahru b) petronas tower is the most magnificent building i’ve ever seen c) gps does not work! hahaha!

7) lost 15 lbs!

after korea, i was at my heaviest weight ever. i slowly trimmed down by going to the gym 3x a day and playing badminton over the weekend. i’m still targeting to lose 10 more before my 29th birthday this july

purchased my first piece of land

when i was about 9, i promised my parents three things: 1) travel to US 2) farm c) blue pick up truck. i’ve fulfilled promise #1 last year. this year, i’ve fulfilled promise #2. the land i got in alfonso cavite is technically not a farm but it’s got some mango trees, lanzones, etc. i’m gearing up to build a small vacation house around it so my parents can enjoy their retirement away from the city.

i’m a bit late for promise #3 as my dad cannot drive anymore. just last year, my dad was diagnosed with parkinson’s disease. apparently, he’s had it for almost 3 years now but not one of the doctors we visited before were able to correctly identify it. i’d rather view things in a positive way. at least now, he’s been taking the right medicine, and more importantly, my mom, sister and I know how best we can help our dad. 

yahoooo! got 4 cathay movie tickets and 3 $20 dollar border vouchers as reward for my excessive spending this year. haha. hail rewards points!